Holding onto Pain.

There are days where I can’t tell whether I am actually down, or if I’m feeling that way just because being anything else is too tiring. There are days where I feel like a walking contradiction. I say that everything is up to our own perception; negatives can be turned into positives. But I feel like a fraud pretending to be happy when in reality I am hollow inside.

It’s like there are two parts of me: one desperately trying to break free, the other holding onto the pain for dear life. Sometimes I enjoy feeling empty, because being empty is easy. Perhaps I’m afraid of letting go. It’s become my safety blanket. I don’t know who I am without it. I’m scared of finding out my true capabilities once I allow myself to shine.

It’s easy isn’t it? To close yourself up, hide away from everyone else and sit in sadness. I’m still learning how to balance it all. Life is really just a game of balance. Not too much of this nor that.

It’s ok to be sad. In fact, I encourage you to fully feel your emotions. Dive deep into yourself and figure out what it is that you need right now. But know that you have to face the light eventually, as hard as it may be. I know it sucks to hear people telling you to ‘just go outside’ or to ‘find a new hobby’. Baby steps. You know yourself best. Don’t force things. Just know that once you’re ready, there will be so many people around you to help pick you up and lead the way. You just have to be brave enough to take the first step.

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