For a long time, I lived in constant shame. Shame of who I was. Shame of what I did. Shame of what I enjoy. Endless shame. I found myself creating a false facade in front of people. I would change depending on who I’m with, which I believe is something that everyone does, but I hated how I would feel so fake. It’s exhausting. It’s hard enough being an introvert to put yourself out there with other people, but it’s even worse when you have to act like someone you’re not. I did that for so long that I eventually lost touch of who I was.
I don’t see why we need to hide anything about ourselves so that people would like us more. If they don’t accept you for who you are, then perhaps they shouldn’t be in your life anyway. I believe it’s the little quirks that people have which makes them that much more authentic and likeable, such as how my best friend makes weird noises all the time because she doesn’t like silences (you know who you are).
I think the main thing that I have been the most ashamed about for the longest time is my passion. I used to be really into weightlifting but I hated mentioning it in fear of people making fun of a small Asian girl throwing weights around. Now I have a newfound love of yoga and spirituality which I am still slightly uncomfortable sharing because people often have their own set of stereotypes that they automatically put you into. I didn’t want them to see me as the crazy hippy who lives in the jungle (although I slowly am becoming one) talking about the energy around us. I know the deep stuff that I say (a.k.a. most of my writing here) can seem a bit mad, but it is what I currently believe in so I’m just learning to own it. ‘Fake it till you make it’, as they say.
So yes, I love getting up early to meditate with the sunrise. I love flowing on my yoga mat for hours on end because it makes me feel free. I love holding my crystals and feeling their energy charge me up. I love all the rituals like burning sage and chanting mantras whilst visualising the light within me. I love writing down my manifestations and reading them out to myself every morning. I love reading books on spirituality and holistic health. I love watching van life videos and imagining myself travelling the world, living as a nomad. I love writing on here like this is my diary because that’s pretty much what it’s become now.
These are all the things that make me who I am, and I’m freaking proud of it all. I’m tired of hiding everything that makes me special. I’m owning it, and so should you.