I haven’t posted in a while, and frankly it’s because I haven’t felt inspired. A lot of what I consider to be my best work in the past were written from my true emotion at the time. But the thing is, I only ever feel like writing when I’m slightly somber or down. Which is why, since my mood has improved drastically over the past month, I can’t seem to put words to paper without feeling fake or insincere. I started posting things that I thought might get views, instead of my usual rambly thoughts. It just didn’t feel like me so I stopped.
It reminded me of how we sometimes try to act a certain way in order to get other people’s approval. I lived that way for a long time, which only drew me further and further away from my true self. So I’m going to take my own advice and write what I want when I feel like it. It’s like how they say your hobby turns into a chore when you make it your job (or a least I think that’s what they say). I may stick to my schedule of posting three times a week, or I may not. It’s whatever I want. I will continue to ramble on about anything and everything whether or not people actually read it. That’s it.
Last week I wrote about the three stages of healing. It’s basically a watered down version of what I went through over the past few months. I feel particularly strongly about the last part, where I spoke about feeling your emotions in order to fully heal.
A year ago I was an emotionless robot. This year it all came hitting me in the face like a truck.
I didn’t know what to do. I’m the type who holds everything in no matter what. (Or should I say I was because I’m working on it.) All I wanted to do was drown in my sorrow. But people kept saying that I have to stay positive and that I’ll feel better soon. That did nothing but make me feel even more guilty for being that way. I hated being pitied on, like I was some kind of weak emotional wreck. Continue reading “Lessons Learnt from Sadness”
1. The Breaking
You will feel extreme sadness. You will think that life is just an endless torture. You will imagine how things could’ve been if only. Darkness surrounds you day and night. Some days you feel numb. Other days you just cry. The kind of crying that physically hurts. Like someone’s continuously stabbing you in the heart. Like you’re suffocating, struggling to stay alive. Yet the tears never seem to end. Even the smallest thing is able to trigger another breakdown. You try to be happy, but there is nothing to be happy about. Continue reading “The Three Stages of Healing”
The other day, my friend told me I was really brave for putting up my raw and honest thoughts in one of my previous posts. I found it funny because I have no issue whatsoever with spilling my heart out on the internet, yet it’s difficult for me to open up in real life. So I guess this is my outlet. This is where I go through the painful process of ripping off the plaster and letting my wounds come to light. This is where I put pen to paper and let my words roam free. This is the messy, imperfect, unfiltered version of me – the side that people don’t often show on social media. Continue reading “The Bright Side of Darkness.”
There are good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel invincible. Like I’m on top of the world and no one can stop me. I look around and see beautiful miracles all around me. I repeat my gratitude to the Universe.
On the bad days, I am a contradiction. My heart feels heavy but I’m hollow inside. Getting out of bed seems like the most difficult task on earth. I tell myself I’ll feel better if I get outside to take in some fresh air. But the mere thought of taking that one step terrifies me. Continue reading “When People Ask Me How I’ve Been.”
There are days where I can’t tell whether I am actually down, or if I’m feeling that way just because being anything else is too tiring. There are days where I feel like a walking contradiction. I say that everything is up to our own perception; negatives can be turned into positives. But I feel like a fraud pretending to be happy when in reality I am hollow inside.
Continue reading “Holding onto Pain.”