I haven’t posted in a while, and frankly it’s because I haven’t felt inspired. A lot of what I consider to be my best work in the past were written from my true emotion at the time. But the thing is, I only ever feel like writing when I’m slightly somber or down. Which is why, since my mood has improved drastically over the past month, I can’t seem to put words to paper without feeling fake or insincere. I started posting things that I thought might get views, instead of my usual rambly thoughts. It just didn’t feel like me so I stopped.
It reminded me of how we sometimes try to act a certain way in order to get other people’s approval. I lived that way for a long time, which only drew me further and further away from my true self. So I’m going to take my own advice and write what I want when I feel like it. It’s like how they say your hobby turns into a chore when you make it your job (or a least I think that’s what they say). I may stick to my schedule of posting three times a week, or I may not. It’s whatever I want. I will continue to ramble on about anything and everything whether or not people actually read it. That’s it.
I have dealt with body image issues my entire life. Not once did I ever feel comfortable in my own skin. Not when I was overweight; not when I was underweight. My body has been through a lot, but it never failed to keep me alive. Every second of everyday, my heart keeps on pumping blood through my veins; my legs allow me to walk from one place to another; I can see and do so many amazing things thanks to my body. But I failed to see this the whole time.
I’ve blamed society for creating unrealistic expectations for adolescence today. I’ve blamed the people around me for pointing out my size when I was a kid as if it’s a bad thing. I’ve blamed myself for letting all of this happen. But now I know that if it weren’t for all those things, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be able to rejoice on the fact that I feel the most confident I ever have in my body right now. The best part is that I’m not even what society deems as ‘perfect’. I’ve learnt that I will always be dissatisfied with myself no matter what if I continue to seek approval from external sources. I’ve learnt that what other people think has no value to me. They’re probably too busy thinking about themselves anyway.
I could go on about how brainwashed we all are when it comes to body shaming. How we allow whoever it is to tell us that thin=good and fat=bad. How bigger people are immediately assumed to be lazy, indulgent and greedy people. How we look down on them like they’re somehow less worthy than others just because of their size. I remember when I was 10, I told my friend that I’ve never spoken to this other girl in our class. She asked ‘Why? Is it because she’s fat?’. I remember thinking how I need to lose weight when I was 5, in kindergarten. I remember how every single adult that met me for the first time would say my baby fat would go away once I get older. I remember pinching on my belly fat, wishing I could cut it off with a knife. These things haunt you for life.
My point is, I wish we could stop obsessing over external appearances and start realising that there is so much more to life. The moment I stopped worrying about my weight was the moment I started living again. I wish dieticians would stop saying harsh things to patients when most of them have been thin their whole life and have no idea what it’s like to live as a bigger person in a world that glorifies thinness. I wish doctors would actually treat an obese person’s disease instead of telling them they need to lose weight. Most importantly, I wish people would stop putting labels on people based on their appearance.
Everyone has their own struggles. This is mine.
I hope everyone’s had a great week! (By everyone I mean the 4 readers that I actually have.) I personally have had a pretty productive one. Finally beginning to get out of my little blogging rut, but let’s not speak too soon…
“The moment you accept yourself, you become beautiful.”
This actually has an interesting story behind it. One day, probably around the beginning of August 2017, I was getting a drink from a local coffee shop. They usually put up inspirational quotes on their wall, but I never noticed it until this one magical day. I was at the beginning of my spiritual journey and I was feeling quite crappy body image wise at the time. Whilst waiting for my drink, I looked up and saw this exact quote from Osho. I think I froze for a minute and smirked because I couldn’t believe how appropriate it was for me. Since then, I’ve read multiple books by Osho, and many more from all the wonderful writers out there in this spiritual realm. Continue reading “Weekly Snapshot 20.01.18”
A few days ago, on January 1st, I decided to delete all social media apps off my phone. I found myself spending way too much time scrolling aimlessly, comparing myself to people on Instagram, wishing I had their life. Basically I was going against my words and doing everything that I tell people not to. It had been negatively impacting my mental health for a while now and I knew it all along, but something about it is just so darn addictive. It’s like that bad habit that you know you should change but don’t exactly want to. Honestly though, it’s such a waste of time. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend those several hours doing something productive or spending time with my friends and family instead of getting sucked into my phone.
So how does it feel? It is freaking amazing. It is incredibly freeing. I honestly haven’t felt more at ease in long time – both physically and mentally. I struggle with self confidence big time, and social media was one of the main contributors. Sure, I miss seeing what my friends are up to. I even caught myself taking my phone out to post something on my story, only to realise the app was gone. As much as I love social media as a way of connecting with people around the world, I refuse to sacrifice my sanity for vanity.
I have no idea how long I’ll keep up with this – maybe a month or two, maybe forever? Who knows. I encourage you to try a little social media detox as well, even if it’s just for several days. Put your phone away and enjoy living in the moment. I think we all need some of that nowadays. Oh and if you’re like me and still want to post photos every now and then just because you’re proud of them, there are ways to post from your computer. Just don’t start scrolling through your feed while you’re at it. Trust me, it’s incredibly tempting (coming from personal experience).
Since when did being chronically stressed become a badge of honour? If you think about it, our society has become so dysfunctional. We celebrate people who sacrifice their mental and physical health for the sake of achievement or success. While I fully respect people who work hard in order to reach their goals, I don’t think it’s necessary to go to the extreme. I love how social media allows people to share their success and reach a greater audience, but it has also created a rather unrealistic image of what our lives should look like. Continue reading “Let Go of Perfection”
For a long time, I lived in constant shame. Shame of who I was. Shame of what I did. Shame of what I enjoy. Endless shame. I found myself creating a false facade in front of people. I would change depending on who I’m with, which I believe is something that everyone does, but I hated how I would feel so fake. It’s exhausting. It’s hard enough being an introvert to put yourself out there with other people, but it’s even worse when you have to act like someone you’re not. I did that for so long that I eventually lost touch of who I was.
Continue reading “Own Who You Are”
There are good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel invincible. Like I’m on top of the world and no one can stop me. I look around and see beautiful miracles all around me. I repeat my gratitude to the Universe.
On the bad days, I am a contradiction. My heart feels heavy but I’m hollow inside. Getting out of bed seems like the most difficult task on earth. I tell myself I’ll feel better if I get outside to take in some fresh air. But the mere thought of taking that one step terrifies me. Continue reading “When People Ask Me How I’ve Been.”